Sometimes I think of grief like an old woollen jumper. It’s the knitwear you fold at the bottom of your drawer, only getting it out on the coldest of days or in the very midst of winter.  

Sometimes you only wear it on Christmas day, or on a special date that no one else celebrates.

Once it’s enveloped you, you fold it away again, smoothing down the fabric with your fingers in a private ritual, like the most sacred of things. 

This Modern Struggle Magazine is honoured to share the beautiful words of Stephanie, a Glaswegian cinquain and soliloquy poet.

She aims to help people with her poetry, and her poem Love Yourself is an inspiring message about self-love that we all need to hear.

It was a crisp October day when the world ended, the kind where you can wear just a jumper, so I didn’t have a coat on when the sky shattered and fell down around me. 

Today, 29th October 2023, is 10 years since my university house doorway became the backdrop of my most tragic scene as I was delivered the cruellest news. ‘They didn’t want to tell you over the phone’, my aunt said, and with that sentence I knew immediately what she was going to say next. 

My dad had passed away. 

This Modern Struggle Magazine is honoured to share the beautiful words of My Inner Child, an exclusive unpublished poem by Canadian poet Ally Lyons.

Following the successful launch of her third published poetry book, Sins & Sunflowers: Second Edition, we were thrilled to speak with poet and author Emma-Jane Barlow about her poetry inspiration, writing process, advice for up-and-coming poets, and how poetry has helped her express her emotions and speak up to help others with autism.

Exposing her vulnerability as she pens the tempestuous journey of loss and love, Emma-Jane explores the vicissitude of overcoming her first heartbreak, dating, and falling in love with someone new. Through the symbolism of a sunflower with canary wings, she writes about learning to love herself as she navigates new beginnings and finds her voice again. In this second and more visceral edition of Sins & Sunflowers, she digs even deeper into the trauma and tribulations of the healing journey and how believing in your own light can truly set a spirit free.

“And you’re listening to that song, and that drive with the people who you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.”

- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I have always loved that one scene in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. You know, the one with the back of the car, Sam and “Heroes” by David Bowie. Or, if you remember, the one with the back of the car, Charlie and “Heroes” by David Bowie. Actually, I like the second one better, because you know at this point in the movie how much the character has gone through. You know how much he has grown, and that the freedom he feels is hard fought. It’s that one that makes me cry, that gives me hope, that makes me a little sad.

When I first met depression she allowed me to see only a glimpse of her true self. When I first met depression, she walked with me to the still stream at the opening of her soul, she removed my shoes and encouraged me to dip my toes into her murky waters. Her presence was cold and calm, she wore a dark cloak stitched with shame and laced with sorrow, her greying face barely visible under her cowling hood.

When I first met depression I didn’t really know who she was or what she intended to do. She was clever and calculated, she let me in slowly, spoon by spoon she fed me a gradually increasing dose of her toxic medicine.

Many believe that as soon as you have children, that’s it, you have to give up all the fun things that you enjoyed doing before.

I adore my family, friends and having lots of social time. However, when these little humans come along who want and need you at every grasping moment, it can feel like the days of being social are over.

What people forget is that being away from your children is super important, not only for them to grow and become more independent, but also for your own mental health!

The International OCD Foundation defines Scrupulosity as, “a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions.” It describes Scrupulous people as “overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violationof religious or moral doctrine.” Said people might also “worry about what their thoughts or behavior mean about who they are as a person.”

While I do find it interesting that apparently up to a third of OCD havers (who, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, make up 1.2% of the population) experience Scrupulosity, I wanted to know more. Specifically, I wanted to know what percent of this third were under 13. I wanted to know how many of this third were like me.

As I grew up my emotions evolved, as well as the way I felt about them. Even though I was well acquainted with my multitudes, I started to see that to a degree, they set me apart, and not in a way I liked. I saw how my tears sometimes scared people around me, and how my excitement was at times overwhelming. Simply put, I became afraid of being too much.

However, the reality of being by my standards “too much” became a lot less fun when I got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, Anxiety, Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was all of a sudden too real. I was no longer “Lanacore” and “Girl, Interruptedesque” - I was mentally ill.

A few weeks ago I turned 29, the pivotal last year of my 20s.

Being in your 20s/30s is a weird time. It’s a transitional period when suddenly you’re expected to know everything that you want to do with your years, whether that’s in terms of career, getting a house, getting married, or having children. But it’s also supposed to be the best time of your life, with the free abandon to enjoy it as much as you can.

The struggle is real… when you’re the sad girl whose dad died

Season 4 of Mindy Kaling’s hit Netflix teen comedy Never Have I Ever hit our screens today, for the final time. Over the last four seasons we have watched high schooler Devi navigate crushes, hookups, friendships and studies as she makes her way towards graduation and the ending of the show. Never Have I Ever is funny, outlandish, and oozes with Kaling’s notorious wit and charm.

But as a 29-year-old, the thing that resonates with me most about the show is the unbelievably accurate depiction of what it’s like to lose a parent when you’re a teenager.

It’s that time of the year to receive the dreaded ‘Do you want to opt out of Father’s Day?’ emails.

While it’s great that companies are being more sensitive to their customers and subscriber lists, sadly you can’t avoid this holiday everywhere you go.

As someone whose dad has passed away, I always feel like this holiday is something I can’t take part in and is something to just avoid completely.

But just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean I can’t talk about him.

Hi, I’m Ally!

I started this magazine for all the fellow strugglers who feel the same way that I do; like everyone else has it all figured out and you just don’t know what you’re doing in life.

The struggle is real… when you’re trying to figure life out.

Hi, I’m Ally, and welcome to This Modern Struggle Magazine.

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you also feel like you don’t know what you’re doing with your life.