The struggle is real… when your dad is dead on Father’s Day
It’s that time of year to receive the dreaded ‘Do you want to opt out of Father’s Day?’ emails.
While it’s great that companies are being more sensitive to their customers and subscriber lists, sadly you can’t avoid this holiday everywhere you go.
You can’t do the weekly shop without seeing the supermarket flooded with signs and cards, or scroll on social media without having suggested gifts or heartfelt tributes pop up on your feed every two minutes.
As someone whose dad has passed away, I always feel like this holiday is something I can’t take part in and is something to just avoid completely.
But for those of us grieving, every day is Father’s Day in a way.
This year is the 10th anniversary of when my dad passed away unexpectedly. I was 19 and he was 49 when it happened.
So much has changed in the last decade, but what hasn’t changed is how much I miss him. The funny thing about grief is that it doesn’t lessen at all with time, contrary to what people believe. I actually feel his absence more when I think about all that he’s missed out on.
He didn’t see me graduate uni, move out into my own flat, the different jobs I’ve had, meet my boyfriend, he’s missed a decade’s worth of Christmases and birthdays and evenings spent on the sofa laughing together. As I near 30 I feel so different to how I did when I was 19, and I wonder what he would think of me now if he knew me.
He haunts my dreams and my special occasions and my sleepless nights, but every year I remember his voice less, every moment he turns more into a photograph of a memory than a real person.
But I will never forget the way he smelled, the tightness of his warm chest as he hugged me, his laugh, how he encouraged me to read, the way he was proud of everything I did, the way he called me ‘miffin’ because he misspelled muffin in a text to me once, the way he rolled cigarettes on the kitchen counter or how he was the smartest man I ever knew.
This year I got a tattoo of one of our favourite photos of him, and my younger brother Cameron is getting the same one too. We may not have seen your face for 10 years now dad, but when I look down I can be reminded of you all the time.
Happy Father’s Day.
Love Ally, your miffin x
Written by Ally McLaren
Editor
Hi, I’m Ally, Editor of This Modern Struggle Magazine.
You may have seen my writing in Mouthy Magazine or Darling Magazine. I currently work in Marketing and PR and do freelance copywriting on the side. I also have experience in journalism and feature writing for women’s magazines and national press.
When I’m not writing you can find me eating pizza, stroking my cat and watching true crime documentaries.
I started this magazine for all the fellow strugglers who feel the same way that I do; like everyone else has it all figured out and you just don’t know what you’re doing in life.