Holidays on the Spectrum
Holidays, for me, consist of finding excuses.
An example of this is at a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, when I inevitably get restless from sitting at the table with my family, and start offering to take people’s dirty dishes to the kitchen for a reason to move around. This is met with a yes or a no and usually a genuine ‘thank you’, my real motive concealed under the guise of being considerate. A less polite excuse I utilize is going to the bathroom for ten minutes so I have a break from socializing and conversation. While it is tedious to be constantly looking for these ‘outs’, I find that they are the only way to preserve my sanity.
Holidays are, in short, a lot.
I think that the main reason I feel the way I do about holidays (aside from having a family that I don’t always see eye to eye with) is because I am neurodivergent. In my family, holidays mean long hours at the dinner table while attempting to have one unified conversation, followed by unplanned shared time for god knows how long. Sometimes there is a walk, sometimes there is a board game, but there is no structure to these days. A part of the way I experience autism is feeling more comfortable with structure.
If I am close enough with a group of people, I can come around to being flexible, but if I am not, I get anxious and restless. Trying to regulate my behavior/mannerisms while also trying to anticipate what may be expected of me in the future is emotionally draining. In addition to this, sometimes I get burnt out from interactions, but during holidays, it’s seen as out of the question to isolate oneself for too long.
Usually by the end of the day, I am left with no energy.
I want to like holidays, I really do. I love the seasonal foods, seeing family (in small doses), and being festive. I love gift giving, helping decorate (never in my room though, the temporary change would not feel right), and the fun traditions that have developed over the years. I really wish that I didn’t dread celebrating.
I know I am not the only autistic person who feels this way. I know that for some autistic people, holidays mean a lack of safe foods, being stuck in over-stimulating environments, and being forced into festive clothing that is far from sensory friendly. I also know that for most autistic people, holidays mean having to compromise, because we don’t want to be criticized for ‘not trying.’ I personally struggle a lot to advocate for myself. I don’t want to be selfish with my needs, which is sometimes how requesting the bare minimum feels. However, I can say that with small steps, I am making headway.
This Christmas I spent with just my immediate family. This was not by choice, my grandparents had come down with the flu, but it gave me the opportunity to exercise boundaries in a less intimidating space. It was at the end of the day, and I wanted so badly to go to shower, call my partner, finally have some alone time and go to bed. While it was admittedly not my most eloquent moment, I ended up blurting out “if I don’t go take a shower right now I am going to lose my mind!” My parents let me go, and strangely enough, being able to leave was what made that Christmas actually good. I know I need to figure out more ways to help myself, but we are working on it.
Though we are mostly past the holiday season, I do want to leave my neurotypical (not autistic or on the spectrum) readers with a request. Please check in on your autistic loved ones, whether it’s the holiday season or not. Sometimes it’s nice, even if there’s not much you can do, to hear that someone cares about what we go through and knows we really are trying our best.
To my fellow neurodivergents, take care of yourselves, and always remember that you are not alone in your struggles. Never be afraid to ask for help or speak up for your needs.
More Tips:
Talk to (or get someone else to talk to) the host ahead of time about bringing your own food/snacks
Have a fidget item that you can discreetly stem with
Practice asking to turn down loud music, TV, etc. (this actually goes for any request, sometimes coming up with a script helps build confidence)
Come up with festive outfit ideas with sensory friendly clothing
If you are going to be in an unfamiliar environment, familiarize yourself with the people, location, activities ahead of time as much as possible (don’t be afraid to ask the host, fellow guests to provide information)
Identify (to the best of your ability) possible triggers
Come up with a plan (safe space, safe person, etc) for what to do if you do start to meltdown, go non-verbal, etc.
Written by Susan Moore
Writer
Hi, I’m Susan. You may have seen my work before in Darling Magazine’s fashion section and Tonitruale’s music column.
When I’m not writing, I can be found watching documentaries with my roommates, listening to audiobooks and drinking drinks that turn my mouth blue.
Photo credit: @bluerosetori