Lara & Me – An Insight Into Modern Abuse
It often needs a trigger warning, yet it happens every day. Often in homes, behind closed doors, sibling to sibling is the most common method - as heart breaking as that is to hear, it’s completely true. I suffered more than once with being victimised. But not at home, at school. A close school friend of mine, let’s call her Lara - for data protection reasons, abused me. Sexually and emotionally were the main types, and it was constant manipulation and criticism to the point where she controlled what I wore on non-school uniform days and who I texted outside of school days.
My world gradually shrunk in size, until one day, I realised the true impact that her actions were having on me. I felt so lost and alone, isolated from my previous friendship group, and I didn’t know who to turn to or trust. Of course, I tried to have private conversations with school teachers and pastoral staff, but I always felt watched by her - so that made it very hard to come clean and say how badly the abuse was affecting my functioning ability. I was a shell of my previous sparkly, eager to learn self – but nobody else really noticed my decline like I did. It was Lara 1, versus my 0.
When it comes to reporting abuse, people see red. Will the police come knocking? Will my parents lose their jobs? What about the reputation of the school I’m at? So, so, many spiralling questions start to form never ending loops around your mind. At least they did for me, anyway... Nowadays, there are plenty of ways to report abuse – for yourself, but also on behalf of others too. Even if you think there’ll be consequences in the short term (which there won’t be) please don’t let that hold you back from a chance of getting free before it’s too late. I bottled everything up, thought I could beat it solo, and ended up suffering for many years with an awful mental health condition called psychosis. This is where you lose touch with reality, experience hallucinations, delusions, hear voices and live in a permanent state of confusion with no purpose or idea of what’s right or wrong.
I should add, I have now thankfully recovered from my psychotic episode that spanned for many years. But not everyone is so lucky. It took many, many months for any help to come for me, let alone any medication. I would highly recommend trusting your gut instinct – if you feel like something is wrong with your mental health, it probably is. Another great thing to do is advocate for your own mental health and contact your local GP (General Practitioner) or healthcare professional for reliable advice – if no one knows, they can’t ever help you. Keeping a journal or a diary of your feelings and emotions is something I wish I did – because it’s a really easy way to keep track of any abnormal behaviours or mood patterns so you can quickly spot changes in your normal presentation. Finding someone you trust to open up to and keep in the loop with how you’re feeling daily is also invaluable - as they may spot a decline long before you do.
Sometimes, reaching out to family members, professionals and school teachers is too difficult, because you already have an attachment formed and fear that you’ll worry them. That’s why I’m going to list links to some good websites for reporting abuse and mental health difficulties as they often go hand in hand, sadly…
You can find support at:
(Mental Health Charity) Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk
(Report abuse) CEOP: https://www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/
(Need someone to talk to 24/7) Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org
(Find mental health information here) NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/
One of the most heart wrenching things about being in abusive relationships – whether that be platonic or romantic – is not having spotted or known the early warning signs of abuse. To save your heartache, and heal my inner child, I’m going to list some of the key one’s for you.
Constantly wants to know where you are and who you’re with
Controls your actions and makes decisions for you without giving you any say
Shames or embarrasses you in front of others
Insults or criticises your behaviours and opinions
Shows intense jealously when you spend time apart from them
Destroys your belongings or your home
Pressures you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing
Controls your finances or takes money from you a lot
Important note – if one of more or of these behaviours is present in your abuser or relationship at present, get out now, as it will only intensify and then become harder to escape!! Trust me, I have been there and know what happens when you don’t leave…
I really, sincerely hope that this piece of writing helps you – it was a mix of my own personal experiences of abuse with a few bits of advice and ways to get help too. If you need an unbiased ear to listen or would just like to get to know me - please email me on the following email address: fjallen2000@gmail.com - I’d be more than happy to help you out.
Love & Strength,
Your New Column Writer: Finola Allen
Written by Finola Allen
Writer
Heya! I’m Finola, aspiring writer, mental health advocate and hobby photographer— lovely to meet you!
In the past, I have worked at Equestrian stables as a volunteer but now I currently do Marketing work for a specialist FE college, which I really enjoy. Although, I’m set to go to Uni come September to study Creative Writing - eeek!