Movie Nerd
Hitchcock
It was at the tender age of 12 that my mom showed me her favorite movies, mostly old thrillers. My first was Rear Window, which of course we followed with North by Northwest, Charade, To Catch a Thief, Wait Until Dark, among others. Some were better than others, some aged poorly, but none were as good as Rear Window, which is a favorite to this day. If I am honest, though, the Golden Age of Hollywood doesn’t do much for me anymore. The women are so pretty, so classically feminine. The men are strong, rough, and indistinguishable from each other. I will always love Rear Window, even as I see how far from Grace Kelly and James Stewart, and realize it doesn’t love me back.
Mafia
Though my mom had gotten a head start, it was my dad’s gritty mafia movies that really got my attention. He showed me The Godfather when I was 13, or maybe 14. What I know for sure is that in that moment everything changed. I didn’t know they made movies that could be that good, that powerful, that complicated. I hardly knew what to feel when it was over; I couldn’t tell if I was happy that my favorite character had been able to die peacefully, sad for how the Corleone family had fallen apart, or angry at Michael for becoming what he had once despised. I was no stranger to complex emotions, but I think a part of me liked to be able to feel them for fictional characters, to feel deeply without real life stakes. I think I also liked the way that the characters were messy, the way that I could see myself in their nuances.
Daily Motion
15 year old me didn't have anyone to go with me to the local Cinemark with, when there were screenings of cult classics or arthouse films, but Daily Motion had everything. Sure, you had to watch things in parts, sure, everything was mirrored from the way the movie actually was, and sure, there would be foreign subtitles blocking up to a fourth of the screen. All that really mattered is that I got to watch these beautiful movies that I had heard of from The Criterion Collection YouTube channel or my book 1000 Movies You Need to See Before You Die. For this reason, I grew accustomed to watching on my phone screen, alone. It was there that I continued my education in messy characters such as Enid of Ghostworld, Lux Lisbon in Virgin Suicides, The Marias in Daisies, among others. My days were long and lonely, but I lived for when my classes were over and I could retreat to my room with my phone and part 3 of whatever I had decided to watch that day.
Sleepover
It wasn’t as if I didn’t try to get someone to watch my movies with me. Once, at 16, I invited my friend Caroline to sleep over. She was nice to my face, but I could never tell if she really liked me or not. We watched Eraserhead together, a David Lynch movie that honestly I can’t summarize in just a few words. It was weird, unsettling, slow and a bit hard to watch, but she seemed to like its experimental nature. Later I found out she repeated to a friend the things we talked about together that I thought had bonded us, but in a warped and twisted way that made me sound like a freak. I never found out what she actually thought of Eraserhead, but I never had her over after that.
College
Something I get a lot lately is how I’ve seen “every movie ever”, that I’m “cultured”, and “know a lot about film.” I always laugh and blithely joke that the only reason I know the things I do is because I’m autistic, and movies are a special interest of mine. I never say that for a long time, movies were all I had. I never say that my taste in cinema was only considered cool two years ago, which is when I started being considered cool as well. As I think these things, though, I realize that maybe I’m better for these things, but I never say this because I am still unsure.
Quarantine New Year
On the New Year’s Eve leading up to 2022, my brother, Walker, and I watched Fantastic Mr. Fox, Black Swan, and Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975). While Black Swan was what we were watching when Midnight struck, we gave Picnic the most fanfare. We had even made a charcuterie board, complete with hard cheeses and salamis that our uncle had sent our family in a gift basket, to get into character. I think the reason it was such a big deal to us is because Walker had loved Virgin Suicides, and knew that it had gathered a lot of inspiration from Picnic.
I was 19, and at heart I am still the weird kid who had been given the superlative “Most Likely To Talk About a Movie Nobody’s Heard Of,” whose best friends were ancient directors and whose life revolved around the world of film.
Written by Susan Moore
Writer
Hi, I’m Susan. You may have seen my work before in Darling Magazine’s fashion section and Tonitruale’s music column.
When I’m not writing, I can be found watching documentaries with my roommates, listening to audiobooks and drinking drinks that turn my mouth blue.
Photo credit: @bluerosetori